A Sunday morning joke-a-thon
Start your week off with some LOLz
Good morning! I’m trying something a little different for this latest edition of my newsletter. This week I took a late-night monologue joke writing class and wrote more than 45 one-liners about topical events (yes, that’s a lot).
If you want to catch up on the news this week or just need some LOLs, here are my 10 best monologue jokes:
1. Fox News claims that none of its employees wrote jokes for Trump at a recent campaign dinner. Trump's joke about picking JD Vance as his running mate was all his own.
2. Lawyers say that Elon Musk’s $1 million giveaway to voters in Pennsylvania is illegal. However, anytime you see a Cybertruck, you can file a personal injury lawsuit and sue Elon for emotional distress.
3. Martha Steward said she wouldn't go on the Golden Bachelorette because "the guys are not hot enough". Martha will star in a new reality dating show called "Golden Cougar: The hunt for a young stud"—coming to FOX this fall.
4. Amazon is now selling its own two-story home made of shipping containers. The house is designed for people who need somewhere to store all the crap they keep buying from Amazon.
5. Glamour magazine reports that some women are getting 'chin lipo' to remove their double chin. But over in the animal world, hippos are getting double-chin implants to look more like Moo Deng.
6. British pop singer Lily Allen revealed that she makes more money from feet pics than her own music on Spotify. She now plans to release a new album called Please play this song on Spotify so I can stop showing creepy men on the internet a closeup of my big toe.
7. Jerry Seinfeld says he no longer thinks the "extreme left" has broken comedy. Jerry also admits “what's the deal with that?” isn't actually a punchline.
8. Universal is opening a fourth Orlando theme park next year with rides based on Harry Potter and Super Nintendo. The park will also have some new, thrilling rides just for adults, like Remembering the Password to Any Website, Paying Your Student Loans Back, and Trying to Buy a House in this Economy.
9. An airport in New Zealand has a new rule where travelers can only hug for three minutes in the terminal when saying goodbye. However, bros can still chest bump for a full five minutes to prove their masculinity.
10. A woman on TikTok went viral because her boyfriend dumped her immediately after she moved all of her belongings across the country to be with him. During the breakup, the boyfriend said, "it's not uHaul, it's mehaul."
That’s it for me, folks! Thanks for reading :)
-Ro
